Rex the Trapper

Here is an interview I did with Rex the Trapper a couple months back. My parents hired him to trap some moles at their house in Olympia. Rex is quite a guy, I hope you enjoy it.

ME: Thanks for coming out Rex. Did you get him?

REX: Yeah, I got one. Little guy was pretty tricky. I’m guessing you got about two or three more moles in your yard, judging by the look of things.

ME: How can you tell?

REX: Just a feeling, I guess. You got a lot of molehills on your property. Moles are territorial, but you got enough room out here for a couple of guys to get around. Maybe your parents will hire me to catch the other ones.

How does a guy like you get into trapping moles?

Funny story. I took one of those tests in high school. What are they called? One of those tests that tell you what you should do with your life.

Aptitude tests?

Yeah. I took an aptitude test. The test was hundred and hundred of math problems. I hated math. I didn’t do so well on the test I guess, so one of the suggestions was that I be a hunter-gatherer. It thought I should hunt and gather for a living. I was kinda mad and I threw the sheet away. But after a couple days I started to think about it and thought maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea. I liked to be outside, you know? 6 years later, here I am.

Rex with his catch

Me and you are the same age. I can safely say we’ve lived a completely different life.

To each his own, I guess.

Do you specialize in moles, or do you trap other animals too?

Moles, mostly. I do some live trapping of small pests; like possums or raccoons. Some of those bitches get ornery, so I got to wear gloves. One time a raccoon pissed all over me from the live trap. Piss sprayed everywhere. He was a real mean son of a bitch, doing it just to screw with me. You gotta wear thick overalls, too.

Live trapping? What do you do with the animal once you’ve trapped them?

Drive um up into the forest and dump um off. You gotta drive deep, or else they find their way back. Hell, they probably find their way back no matter what.

Repeat business.

Ha. I guess, I never thought of it like that.

The enemy

Do you ever get hired by any kooks?

Not really. Most people are pretty normal. A couple times people try to haggle over the cost and I have to threaten to call the cops on them. But that has only happened a couple of times.

I noticed you said a little prayer before you threw the mole carcass into the forest. What was that about? Are you a spiritual guy?

Not really. Well, maybe I guess. I say I’m sorry to the mole, and make my amends with the mother earth sprit before I dispose of the animal. You gotta make amends. Poor little moles don’t do nothing to nobody. People hire me to kill them because they screw up the look of their yard. Shallow shit to kill another living creature. I have guilt for all that killing. I guess I just say I’m sorry to the mole and I wish I didn’t have to take their life. They’re blind and small, you know? A little prayer to the earth spirit, too, asking her to keep everything in harmony and keep producing moles so I don’t wipe um out of Washington. I feel bad for the suckers, I really do. I wanted to make a coat so all these moles didn’t have to go to waste, but I don’t know if I have it in me to skin an animal. I could take them to a taxidermist, I guess.

Earth spirit, huh? Some might say you’re a little crazy, Rex.

You gotta be a little crazy with what you do to be any good at it. All the great ones were a little crazy. Babe Ruth, Winston Churchill, Dennis Rodman, all dominated what they did but ain’t no one gonna argue with me that they weren’t crazy. I gotta be a little crazy to be any good at trappin.

Well said, my man. Hope to see you again. Good luck with the earth spirit and all that.

Thanks man. Hope your parents hire me again.